The Best Forward I Have Gotten in a Long Time
Sent to me by a coworker who only Fwd's good stuff:
Fwd: Thanks
I must add my thanks to whoever sent me the email about rats' poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to get a wet towel for every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I scrub the top of every can of soda I open for the same reason.
I want to thank you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. For the same reason, I've stopped putting plastic water bottles in the freezer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. Also, I now check the pump handles at gas stations for the same reason.
I no longer use those cancer-causing deodorants even though, on a hot day, I smell like a water buffalo.
Oh well, I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I don't shop at Target, either, since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 100th time).
Neither do I have any sneakers - but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I will be able to solve these problems when I get my $32,000 from Bill Gates for participating in a Microsoft e-mail survey.
I'm really not worried anyway, because I have 363,214 angels looking out for my soul, and St. Theresa's novena will eventually grant my every wish.
Also, thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor! If you don't send this e-mail to 144,000 people in the next 10 minutes, a large dove will crap on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your navel, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician!
I do have a few things to say about a few truths that are spoken badly of in this letter, though: Coke really does take stains off of toilets, as well as blood off of highways, or at least can; it really is acidic stuff. I included a link (click on the subject line), so those with sensitive tummies can think before you drink. ;)
Big Psycho, a professional on the subject, has been saying for years, as in well over a decade, fair readers, that the active ingredient in conventional antiperspirants is carcinogenic. I trust Big Psycho, so should you.
Ok, ok, there are more, but it's still funny.
Fleas will infest your navel if you do not obey my commands, though.
I don't think my readers number four, much less 144,000, but I figure this is a good way to get this very important Fwd to as many people as possible. ;)
Bandwidth Conservationist,
Psycho
Fwd: Thanks
I must add my thanks to whoever sent me the email about rats' poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to get a wet towel for every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I scrub the top of every can of soda I open for the same reason.
I want to thank you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. For the same reason, I've stopped putting plastic water bottles in the freezer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. Also, I now check the pump handles at gas stations for the same reason.
I no longer use those cancer-causing deodorants even though, on a hot day, I smell like a water buffalo.
Oh well, I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I don't shop at Target, either, since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 100th time).
Neither do I have any sneakers - but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I will be able to solve these problems when I get my $32,000 from Bill Gates for participating in a Microsoft e-mail survey.
I'm really not worried anyway, because I have 363,214 angels looking out for my soul, and St. Theresa's novena will eventually grant my every wish.
Also, thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor! If you don't send this e-mail to 144,000 people in the next 10 minutes, a large dove will crap on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your navel, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician!
I do have a few things to say about a few truths that are spoken badly of in this letter, though: Coke really does take stains off of toilets, as well as blood off of highways, or at least can; it really is acidic stuff. I included a link (click on the subject line), so those with sensitive tummies can think before you drink. ;)
Big Psycho, a professional on the subject, has been saying for years, as in well over a decade, fair readers, that the active ingredient in conventional antiperspirants is carcinogenic. I trust Big Psycho, so should you.
Ok, ok, there are more, but it's still funny.
Fleas will infest your navel if you do not obey my commands, though.
I don't think my readers number four, much less 144,000, but I figure this is a good way to get this very important Fwd to as many people as possible. ;)
Bandwidth Conservationist,
Psycho
posted by Psycho Psych at 7:28 PM
0 comments
